Alone Again, Naturally

I Am All Alone in This World

I've always been the type of person who enjoys his solitude. I am very talented at entertaining myself and rarely get bored. Most of the time, if given a choice, I'd rather be by myself than to be around other people. I don't mean to describe myself as antisocial, because that is not what causes this propensity to be alone. For me, it's just easier to be by myself. I don't have to worry about what other people want or what other people need or what they think is rude and how they think I should behave. When I'm alone, I don't hvae to consider any of that, and it allows me to relax. It is only when I am alone that I am ever at peace in my mind. For most of my life, I've had more friends than I could manage. I have often felt pulled in too many directions because friends wanted me to do this or wanted me to do that, always pulling me away from my solitude and away from my peace of mind. So, it is extremely ironic that, at age 50, I find myself with no friends, no one who cares about me, no one who ever even thinks about me, and I am very sad. I don't know how this happnened, and I don't know how to fix it. I am afraid I will be one of those people who die all alone in their apartment, and nobody knows until it starts to smell real bad. I am alone in this world, and I will die with nobody to even care that I am no longer alive.

It started with W. She was a woman I used to work with. We were really great friends, did quite a lot of hanging out outside of work. She drove me home almost every night from work because I lived along her route home. She is a very kind person, and I greatly admire that in her. I have often thought that I want to be like her in many ways, and I told her that often. We never argued about anything the entire time we were friends. There was nothing to argue about. We rarely even disagreed with one another. Just before I left United, she began asking me if I needed money. SHe could loan me some money if I needed it. My finances were a little messy at the time, but I have always felt that loans between friends should be a very last resort. Besides, loans rarely fix financial issues. They usually just delay the inevitable. For several months, she would bring the subject up at least once a week. I always declined. I finally got tired of her asking me because she began to act like I was offending her by saying no. So, I told her I could use a $500 loan and pay her back within a month. Really, my intention was to take the loan, then give it back to her a month later. When I mentioned the loan, she said, "I'll think about it." Hmmm. The next day, she sat me down and told me all the reasons why she thought I was a bad risk for a loan. I reminded her that she had been asking me for months to loan me some money. The only reason I asked was because I thought was was offended. She did not even comment on that. Instead, she focused our discussion on all the things she thought I was doing wrong in my life. SHe had given me loads of life advice over the years. I very often followed her advice, and the advice she was giving me was right on point. SHe was absolutely right about what she said to me. But I was at a strange point in my life, often acting in a way that was against my own best interest. I did not follow any of her advice. My issues were much more complicated than she had considered. Basically, she felt my issues were rather trivial. I was going through a lot of very painful personal problems psychologically that she was not aware of. One night, she realized something was wrong, and in a very persuasive way, convinced me to confide in her. I did. I told her a secret that I had never told anyone except for my therapist. I told her that it was my deppest, darkest secret, and she promised to keep it. Then the loan thing happened. A couple of weeks later, a coworker had a conversation with me. She wanted me to know that W had told just about all of my coworkers that I had been begging her for money for months. She had also told them my deepest, darkest secret. I was devistated. Not long after, I left the company for personal reasons. SHe contacted me once, and we met for coffee. She told me that she did not approve of how I was living my life (she had no idea how I was living my life because we hadn't talked for weeks) and that she no longer wanted to be my friend. I never told her I knew she had betrayed me. Every so often, I'd hear from old coworkers that she contined to bad mouth me to everyone. I did not know how to resolve this, so I just let it go.

So, what was my deepest, darkest secret? I was molested when I was a kid, several times by two older brothers. I didn't remember much about it aside from a few vague memories. I had never discussed this with anyone except for my therapist. I began to realize that I had random thoughts about molesting some little boy. I didn't know where these thoughts, but my therapise assured me that it as rather expected considering what had happened to me as a kid. One morning, I was sitting on my sofa when I suddenly remembered a dream, only it wasn't a dream. It was a very powerful, very explicity memory from a time when I was molested. My brother raped me. He held my face into a pillow and raped me. This type of memory is very common for people who have been molested. I began to exhibit symptoms of PTSD. I couldn't stop crying. I started missing a lot of work because I could not stop myself from being emotional. It was in the midst of all this emotion that I told W that I sometimes had thoughts about molesting some little boy. In retrospect, I think W did not understand the broad implications of those thoughts, and instead, I think she thought I wanted to molest a little boy. She jumped to a conclusion, never told me what she was thinking, betrayed me in the worst possible way, and acting like it was all my fault. She should have taken the time to try to understand what I was going through. If she had, she would have realized that I had no intention of ever harming anyone. That's on her. I have examined my part in all that, and I do not see how I could have behaved differently. She harbored thoughts she did not share with me. That's her fault. She had assured me my secret was safe with her. She was definitely wrong to ever repeat it to anyone. Yes, I now think she is a bad person because of it. I wonder how I ever saw any kindness in her.

Next was my friend J. He and I had been friends for twenty years. We had lived together here and there, travelled together quite a lot, laughed and cried together. I would have done anything for him, and I thought the same was true on his part.

I surround myself with positive people. Life is hard. We don't always get what we want or even what we need, and there never seems to be a shortage of people telling us we will not succeed. The people I allow into my life inspire me to be a better person, motivate me to achieve my goals, and celebrate with me when I achieve those goals. By surrounding myself with positive people, good times come more easily and more often and unnecessary drama simply doesn't happen.

I let go of negative emotions. Wallowing in self-pity is never pretty. What's worse is when I wallow in shame, anger, or any other negative emotion. Emotions are, by their very nature, fleeting. They flow into and out of our psyche like water flows in a stream, unimpeded, that is unless we hold onto them and wallow in them. I do whatever I need to do to release the negative emotions that hold me back and prevent me from moving forward after a negative life event. The sooner I do this, the sooner I am able to be happy again.

I always look for the positive. If we do something that ends up being a failure, we can choose to view it positively or negatively. Yes, it was a failure, but we learned something new and valuable. Knowledge is always a priceless commodity. I try to always keep my focus on the future I want, one based on love, happiness, and abundance. I keep a positive outlook at all times, and I believe it attracts positive things to my life.

I remain present. The present moment is just one moment in a lifetime contiuum of moments, but it is the most important of all moments. The past has already happened and cannot be changed. The future hasn't happened yet and can be made to be what we want them to be. The only time we can act in a way to bring about a postive outcome is in the present moment, right now. I try to keep myself and my thoughts grounded so I am free of mental distractions, and this gives me the ability to focus on what is happening around me, to appreciate the perfection of the present moment.

Our psychic energy influences our happiness and life satisfaction in a very fundamental way. People with good energy tend to have more positive experiences than those with bad energy. That is not to say their experiences are better, only that they tend to be positive. Positive energy creates positive emotions, which actively helps people create desirable outcomes (Cohn et al, 2009). We filter everything we experience through our worldview, using it to interpret every event we have in our lives. It is how we perceive our experiences that makes them seem positive to negative. Our psychic energy influences what we think and how we feel about the things we experience. This is why two people, one with positive energy and one with negative energy, can experience the exact same situation yet have two completely different perceptions of it. Of course, this is not true of every situation, but it is true of many of the situations we experience on a daily basis.

My Personal Philosophy

Everyone has a personal philosophy, whether they know it or not, whether they've formally defined it or not, whether they interact with it consciously or not. A personal philosophy is defined as the deep personal beliefs, ideas, expectations, values, and views an individual holds about life and everything life involves (Fischer, 2009). A personal philosophy is an integral part of how humans function in their daily lives. It is what you stand for, what makes you who you are. A personal philosophy makes up the majority of your belief system. It is a mindset that determines how you view all things in life. It is the basis of your identity, your id. Your personal philosophy determines how you interpret and respond to everything you experience. Our personal philosophy develops throughout our lives as we experience situations that challenge our beliefs and make us reconsider how we view the world. As it develops, we integrate multiple belief systems, philosophies, and spiritual disciplines, but our personal philosophy transcends all of them, serving as a single, unifying way of viewing the world. The majority of our personal philosophy is made up of our beliefs, thoughts, and assumptions about ourselves, other people, and the world we live in (Jacobsen, 2013). These core beliefs determine how we perceive, interpret, and respond to everything and everyone we encounter (Tollefson, 2012). The importance of a personal philosophy for our happiness and fulfillment in life cannot be understated. A personal philosophy gives life meaning and purpose. Without a personal philosophy, we might spend all our time preoccupied with distractions, never considering if they are important or if they add value to our lives. This lack of purpose could only lead to a lack of fulfillment. Although we live our lives by our personal philosophy, it is rarely discussed or even thought about.

My personal motto: If you can't be smart, be funny, and if you're not good looking, you damn well better be nice.

There is a higher power: Although I am not sure about the exact nature of this higher power, I am certain it is nothing like God. My belief in a higher power began with the realization that there are forces in the universe that are greater than I am, such as weather systems, nature, gravity, the universe itself. When I examined these forces as a group, I noticed they are very powerful forces that often act to restore balance. On a very basic level, my higher power is a force that keeps the universe in balance.

The energy I give is the energy I get: As a positive person, I emanate positivity wherever I go. As I interact with others, they repond to my positivity, either adding it to their own positivity or allowing it to lift their negativity. One way or another, my positive energy impacts the people with whom I interact. Generally speaking. like attracts like, so negative energy attracts negative energy and positive energy attracts positive energy.

Every man must judge himself first: There's no shortage of judgement in this world. Everywhere I turn these days, it seems like someone's judging me. These judgemental fuckers are too chicken shit to judge themselves so they spend all their time casting judgement on someone else. What a waste of time. Casting judgement on others serves no legitmate purpose. Nobody's gonna change just because some stupid fuck is judging them. But when we judge ourselves, change happens naturally.

Sometimes, you can't fight fate: Sometimes it seems no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to avoid the inevitable. Although I don't believe in fate in the strictest sense of the word, I do believe somethings are unavoidable, and it is wise to understand when to resist and when to go with the flow.

Growth depends on knowledge: Learning is one of the few things humans do throughout their lives. My growth as an individual and our growth as a society depends entirely upon what we learn, and everything we learn comes from other people, either directly or indirectly. By approaching every encounter with another human as an opportunity to learn, life's answers come to us more easily. I firmly believe there are no stupid people. We all possess knowledge that other people do not. That puts every individual in the position of being the teacher.

Life has a distinct purpose: I still haven't figure out mine, but I firmly believe I was not put on this planet at random.

Eyes don't lie: Eyes are the windows to the soul. They will tell you everything you want to know about a person if you know how to read them. My mom always said, "Never trust anyone who wears sunglasses in the house." Looking back on it, I think she was referring to people who were high on drugs because they often wear sunglasses inside and outside to hide the fact that they are high. It's still great advice, though. For instance, Mmny people cannot look another person in the eye when they are being dishonest, even some of the alltime best liars. If you're not paying attention to their eyes, you'll probably never know.

Works Cited

Cohn, M. A., Fredrickson, B. L., Brown, S. L., Mikels, J. A., & Conway, A. M. (2009). Happiness unpacked: Positive emotions increase life satisfaction. Emotion, 9(3), 361–368. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015952

Hall, Kathleen. (2006). A Life in Balance: Nourishing the Four Roots of True Happiness. New York City, NY: AMACOM.

Hall, Calvin S., Nordby, Vernon J. (1999). A Primer of Jungian Psychology New York City, NY: Meridian.

Huxley, J. (1944). On living in a revolution. London, England: Chatto & Windus.

Jacobsen, S. (2013). Identifying and Analysing Your Personal Beliefs. Harley Therapy Counselling Blog. Retrieved from https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/core-beliefs-cbt.htm

Krueger, J. I. (2009). A little science on positive energy. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/one-among-many/200908/little-science-positive-energy

Levin, Marissa. (2016). The most destructive ways to waste our psychic energy. Inc.

Fischer, Lawrence. (2009). Towards a personal philosophy. English Journal, 68(4), 92-93.

Tollefson, Bill. (2012) Making A Positive Change. Tollefson Enterprises.

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