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We All Feel Better in the Dark

What I Like to Do in Bed

Human sexual development refers to the formation of a person's knowledge, beliefs, and behaviors related to sex. It begins at birth and continues throughout life, and it is influenced by a multitude of biological, social, and cultural factors (DeLamater & Friedrich, 2002). We are constantly exposed to messages related to sexuality, and the way we learn to interpret these messages shapes our attitudes about sex (Breuner & Mattson, 2016). We also learn to form attachments to others at an early age, and those patterns of attachment form the basis for bonding and intimacy as adults (Dowshen, 2014). This may seem surprising, but remember that much of who we are as adults is established when we are children. Our social skills, self-control, and even many parts of our personality are well-established and set for life by the time we enter first grade, and as we grow older, these patterns influence our speech, thinking, emotions, and behavior (Caspi & Roberts, 2001). By the time we are old enough to understand our sexual development, many of our beliefs about sex and sexuality are already well established in our minds.

Sexual attraction is one of the most important and complex components of our sexual development, and it is heavily influenced by the people we encounter and the events we experience throughout our lives. Much of what turns us on sexually we learn before we are even five years old (Coleman & Charles, 2001). The types of people we were around in our childhood often become the types of people we are sexually attracted to as adults (Morgan, 2018). This is certainly true with me. When I was a kid, my father had a lot of friends and hunting buddies. They'd often meet at our house before going to hunt. Not all of them were super attractive, but they were all very masculine, which made them super attractive to me. It's like the Marlboro Man. He may not be the hottest guy you've ever seen, but he's probably the most masculine and he's super hot because of it. I've always been attracted to masculine men, and today, if a guy displays any femininity, I will instantly lose interest. As adults, our sexuality is influenced by the people we have sex with and the things we do with the people we have sex with (Paris, 2017). For about four years, I dated a guy who got super jealous, all the time. His jealousy drove me crazy at times, and we broke up because of it several times. But after we broke up for good, I realized how much I craved that kind of attention. It had become a sexual turn on.

My Early Sexual Experiences

I'd like to tell you that my first sexual experience was special, that I met the guy in some wonderful way, that we got to know one another until sex between us became inevitable, and that the sex was knock-your-socks-off good. I'd like to tell you that, but instead...the first time I had sex was in a restroom on the campus of George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia. I was a student there at the time, and one day between classes, I ducked into a restroom. As I sat there, I noticed a phone number and name written on the wall, so I wrote it down and called the guy. A few days later, I met up with him, and we sucked each other off in a restroom on campus. I still remember it, the way the stall was so crowded with the two of us standing face to face, the way it made me anxious because someone could have walked in and caught us, the way I was incredibly turned on having sex with a guy while at the same time I was freaking out because I was having sex with a guy. The whole thing lasted about ten minutes, then we both pulled up our pants and walked out of the restroom. It didn't occur to me at the time that a restroom was an unusual place to have sex. I was too busy reeling from the experience. I never saw that guy again, but as it turned out, that was not the only restroom on campus that led me to gay sex. Sometime after that experience, I ducked into a different restroom. As I sat down, I noticed someone had written "Tap Your Foot For A Blowjob" on the space between the two stalls. As I contemplated what that meant exactly, I noticed that the toilet paper dispenser began to move. A few seconds later, it completely disappeared as the guy next to me pulled it out of the wall. It freaked me out so much, I immediately stood up, pulled up my pants, and ran out. But I went back. I went back a lot. That restroom was rockin'...all the time. The sex usually happened there in the restroom. Sometimes it would stop when someone entered the rest room, sometimes it wouldn't. Other times, we would go somewhere else on campus for privacy. I remember one time when a telephone serviceman and I walked over to the library and went to the top of the stairwell as if we were going to exit to the roof, but instead that's where we stopped. The space in front of the exit door was a perfect spot for sex. He sucked me off four times no more than an hour. It was the most I had cum in one day at that point in my life. What I didn't realize at the time was that I was forming an impression about what gay sex was, what it was like to have sex with another man, and that impression was that it was dirty, sleazy, secretive, crowded, and anxious.

The Mother Lode

As awesome as it was, that restroom was nothing compared to an incredible discovery I made one day, a discovery I'd known about all along. I'd been studying with some classmates was driving home from school. It was getting dark by the time I left campus. I had been horny all day because two of my male classmates had been flirting with me, although I didn't realize it at the time. I was on the Interstate and suddenly had to pee, so I pulled into a rest stop and hurried down the path and into the restroom. Even though my focus was on getting into the restroom before I started to pee, I still noticed the strange energy hanging around the rest area. When I walked out of the restroom, I was not in such a hurry so I decided to see if I could find out why the energy was so weird. I sat down on a bench in the middle of the rest area. It was a beautiful night. The temperature was perfect. I was quiet, I could hear crickets cricketing. So, why was I still feeling like something was off? There were guys just milling about, not really doing anything, just milling about. They were all men, no children, no families, no wives, just men. As I pondered why one man, much less a dozen men, would come to a rest area and just stand around, it hit me. This was the only rest stop in the area, and it was constantly getting raided by the police because it was a known area where gay men met for sex. Every time it was raided, they'd talk about in the papers and on the news for weeks, then the publicity would die down again. I had never given the news reports a second thought, until that night. I stayed for a few more minutes, then left. I didn't have the faintest idea how to pick up a guy anywhere, much less at a rest stop. It didn't take me long to go back, though. I went back many, many, many times.

I still wasn't old enough to drink, so I couldn't go to a bar. I didn't know anybody else who was gay and had no gay friends, so I couldn't meet someone through a someone. The rest stop was, in reality, the only thing I had going for me. That's just fine because the rest stop was always rockin'. I met so many guys and had so much sex from that rest stop, it's really unbelieveable. I met other gay men who I didn't want to have sex with but hit it off with them anyway. I met two of my best friends there. The rest stop was just a meeting place. The sex happened at his place or my place, and because of this, the sex got better and better. I know I must sound like a crazy person, but that rest stop had an influential impact on my life. Well, at least it did until I realized there were gay bars just a thirty minute drive away. The main idea to take from my early gay sexual experiences is that most of them felt dirty and wrong,

Sexual Adventurousness

In some social circles, the gay men of San Francisco are reputed to be sexually adventurous, at least more so than the gay men in most other cities. Until I moved here, I thought that was a gay urban myth. Maybe in the leather bars on Folsom Street or the seedy bars on Polk, but I thought there was no chance I'd encounter any such sexual adventurousness, whether real of mythicized, in the gay bars of the Castro or anywhere else in the city. I was wrong. But I wouldn't describe it as sexual adventurousness. It's more like sexual openmindedness, a willingness to try anything onc. This sexual openmindedness manifests in many ways among the gay men of San Francisco, but it can be summed up in one statement...a question. "What do you get into?" When I moved here in 1998, it seemed like every guy I hooked up with asked me that. I didn't understand it back then, and I barely understand it now. It still happens, but the question has changed over the years to one that is more to the point. "What're you looking for?" As it turns out, everybody gets into something, and very often, they're looking for something specific.

My Attitude About Sex

I have never thought of myself as an adventurous person, sexually or otherwise. I just don't have an adventurous spirit. I am openminded about most things, but historically, sex has not been among those things. Today, I'm often told I'm a prude when it comes to sex. When I was younger, cuter, and more willing to step outside of my comfort zone, I experimented sexually, but even then, I found many of the things gay men do in bed to be well beyond my sexual boundaries. I guess that makes me vanilla, very vanilla, and probably boring in bed to most gay men. The thing is...sex really shouldn't be as complicated as it is today. When I compare my sexual likes and dislikes when I was twenty to my sexual likes and dislikes today, there isn't much difference. The most significant difference has to do with how I perceive sex. When I was twenty, I thought I knew everything about sex, but at age fifty, I realize I know very little about it. In many ways, sex was more fulfilling when I was twenty. It was easy and uncomplicated. I didn't have to be into anything or be looking for something in particular. I could just be myself and not worry about whether that would be enough.

My Sexual Likes and Dislikes

I don't subscribe to the belief that some people are good in bed and some people are bad in bed. I believe that it all depends on the sexual-spiritual connection that exists between those having sex. With a great connection, the sex will be great. To have knock-your-socks-off sex, it's simply a matter of finding someone who can create a strong connection with you. likes the same things I do sexually. As is true with everything in life, minimal effort usually returns minimal results, although when the sexual compatibility is high, it may not seem like effort at all. With that said, I provide a list of some of my sexual likes and dislikes.

Passion. Many gay men believe sex is about physical pleasure, but for me, it's all about the emotional connection. Sex is a deeply intimate act, and it is the most special thing that can happen between two people. Kissing, cuddling, touching...all forms of affection are passionate and pleasureable to me.

Intimacy. It's the whole point of sex, to connect with another human on an intimate level. Without it, it is impossible to forge the kind of intense emotional connection that makes sex so pleasureable.

Kissing. I've been told l'm a good kisser. And I am. But, I don't think it's a matter of some people being good kissers and other people being bad kissers. There are different ways of kissing, and it's a matter of finding someone who kisses the way you do. Regardless, I am a good kisser.

Sucking Dick: DON'T LIKE IT! And I don't even do it anymore. Many gay men believe that the part of us that makes us all gay is our desire to suck dick. WRONG! It's probably a good thing I don't like doing it because I'm terrible at doing it.

Balls: Tug on them, pull on them, squeeze them. Do whatever you want. My balls are tough, and they can take whatever you can give. They used to be just the opposite when I was in my twenties. Back then, they were so senstive, I couldn't touch them if I had a hard on. I prefer them to be tough.

Orgasm: This is the most intimate of all intimate acts, and I do not need to have an orgasm during sex. It's great when it happens, but if it doesn't happen, it's ok.

Fisting: I am intrigued by this sexual act. Several years ago, I've even pursued it with some guys. I've never been successful with it either way, top or bottom. Ultimately, it's a lot more work than it's worth for me.

Scat: It's dirty, unsanitary, smelly, and gross.

Spit: Rude.

Armpits I like guys who are clean. They don't have to smell like they just stepped out of the shower, but when the only thing you can smell is their armpits, something's wrong. Many gay men, including a few of my friends over the years, don't use deodorant because they prefer the natural smell of their armpit. I think it is smelly, gross, and just dumb.

Bareback sex:I enjoy bareback sex, and I enjoy having it with other gay men who enjoy having bareback sex. This makes it uncomplicated and free of unnecessary drama. Condoms ruin sex. They create a barrier between the two people having sex, and this barrier creates a disconnect, which kills the intimacy and the sensation.

Works Cited

Breuner, Cora C. & Mattson, Gerri (2016). Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health. Journal of Sexuality, 138(2), 23-27. doi: https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2016-1348

Caspi, A. & Roberts, B. W. (2001). Personality development across the life course: The argument for change and continuity. Psychological Inquiry. 12(2): 49-66. doi:10.1207/s15327965pli1202_01

Coleman, H., & Charles, G. (2001). Adolescent sexuality: A matter of sense. Journal of Child and Youth Care, 14(4), 17-18.

DeLamater, J., & Friedrich, W. N. (2002). Human sexual development. Journal of Sex Research, 39(1), 10-14. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490209552113

Dowshen, S. (2014). Understanding early sexual development. Journal of Childrens' Health, 17(3), 34-39.

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