We All Feel Better in the Dark

What I Like to Do in Bed

Human sexual development refers to the formation of a person's knowledge, beliefs, and behaviors related to sex. It begins at birth and continues throughout life, and it is influenced by a multitude of biological, social, and cultural factors (DeLamater & Friedrich, 2002). From the day we are born, we are exposed to messages related to sexuality, and the way we learn to interpret these messages shapes our attitudes about sex as adults (Breuner & Mattson, 2016). We also learn to form attachments to others at an early age, and those patterns of attachment form the basis for bonding and intimacy as adults (Dowshen, 2014). This may seem surprising, but remember that much of who we are as adults is established when we are children. Our social skills, self-control, and even many parts of our personality are well-established and set for life by the time we enter first grade, and as we grow older, these patterns influence our speech, thinking, emotions, and behavior (Caspi & Roberts, 2001). By the time we are old enough to understand our sexual development, many of our beliefs about sex and sexuality are already well established in our minds.

Sexual attraction is one of the most important and complex components of our sexual development, and it is heavily influenced by the people and events we experience throughout our lives. Much of what turns us on sexually we learn before we are even five years old (Coleman & Charles, 2001). The types of people we were around in our childhood often become the types of people we are sexually attracted to as adults (Morgan, 2018). This is certainly true with me. When I was a kid, my father had a lot of friends and hunting buddies. They'd often meet at our house before going to hunt. Not all of them were super attractive, but they were all very masculine, which made them super attractive to me. It's like the Marlboro Man. He may not be the hottest guy you've ever seen, but he's probably the most masculine and he's super hot because of it. I've always been attracted to masculine men, and today, if a guy displays any femininity, I will instantly lose interest. As adults, our sexuality is influenced by the people we have sex with and the things we do with the people we have sex with (Paris, 2017). For about four years, I dated a guy who got super jealous, all the time. His jealousy drove me crazy at times, and we broke up because of it several times. But after we broke up for good, I realized how much I craved that kind of attention. It had become a sexual turn on.

Sexual Adventurousness

In some social circles, the gay men of San Francisco are reputed to be sexually adventurous, at least more so than the gay men in most other cities. Until I moved here, I thought that was a gay urban myth. Maybe in the leather bars on Folsom Street or the seedy bars on Polk, but I thought there was no chance I'd encounter any such sexual adventurousness, whether real of mythicized, in the gay bars of the Castro or anywhere else in the city. I was wrong. But I wouldn't describe it as sexual adventurousness. It's more like sexual openmindedness, a willingness to try anything once. This sexual openmindedness manifests in many ways among the gay men of San Francisco, but it can be summed up in one statement...a question. "What do you get into?" When I moved here in 1998, it seemed like every guy I hooked up with asked me that. I didn't understand it back then, and I barely understand it now. It still happens, but the question has changed over the years to one that is more to the point. "What're you looking for?" As it turns out, everybody gets into something, and very often, they're looking for something specific.

My Attitude About Sex

I have never thought of myself as an adventurous person, sexually or otherwise. I just don't have an adventurous spirit. I am openminded about most things, but historically, sex has not been among those things. Today, I'm often told I'm a prude when it comes to sex. When I was younger, cuter, and more willing to step outside of my comfort zone, I experimented sexually, but even then, I found many of the things gay men do in bed to be well beyond my sexual boundaries. I guess that makes me vanilla, very vanilla, and probably boring in bed to most gay men. The thing is...sex really shouldn't be as complicated as it is today. When I compare my sexual likes and dislikes when I was twenty to my sexual likes and dislikes today, there isn't much difference. The most significant difference has to do with how I perceive sex. When I was twenty, I thought I knew everything about sex, but at age fifty, I realize I know very little about it. In many ways, sex was more fulfilling when I was twenty. It was easy and uncomplicated. I didn't have to be into anything or be looking for something in particular. I could just be myself and not worry about whether that would be enough.

My Sexual Likes and Dislikes

Like every other sexually relevant gay man, there are some sexual practices I like and some I do not. I don't subscribe to the belief that some people are good in bed while others are bad in bed. To have knock-your-socks-off sex, it's simply a matter of finding someone who likes the same things I do sexually. As is true with everything in life, minimal effort usually returns minimal results, although when the sexual compatibility is high, it may not seem like effort at all. With that said, I provide a list of some of my sexual likes and dislikes.

Passion. Many gay men believe sex is about physical pleasure, but for me, it's all about the emotional connection. Sex is a deeply intimate act, and it is the most special thing that can happen between two people. Kissing, cuddling, touching...all forms of affection are passionate and pleasureable to me.

Intimacy. It's the whole point of sex, to connect with another human on an intimate level. Without it, it is impossible to forge the kind of intense emotional connection that makes sex so pleasureable.

Kissing. I've been told l'm a good kisser. And I am. But, I don't think it's a matter of some people being good kissers and other people being bad kissers. There are different ways of kissing, and it's a matter of finding someone who kisses the way you do. Regardless, I am a good kisser.

Sucking Dick: DON'T LIKE IT! And I don't even do it anymore. Many gay men believe that the part of us that makes us all gay is our desire to suck dick. WRONG! It's probably a good thing I don't like doing it because I'm terrible at doing it.

Balls: Tug on them, pull on them, squeeze them. Do whatever you want. My balls are tough, and they can take whatever you can give. They used to be just the opposite when I was in my twenties. Back then, they were so senstive, I couldn't touch them if I had a hard on. I prefer them to be tough.

Orgasm: This is the most intimate of all intimate acts, and I do not need to have an orgasm during sex. It's great when it happens, but if it doesn't happen, it's ok.

Fisting: I am intrigued by this sexual act. Several years ago, I've even pursued it with some guys. I've never been successful with it either way, top or bottom. Ultimately, it's a lot more work than it's worth for me.

Scat: It's dirty, unsanitary, smelly, and gross.

Spit: Rude.

Armpits I like guys who are clean. They don't have to smell like they just stepped out of the shower, but when the only thing you can smell is their armpits, something's wrong. Many gay men, including a few of my friends over the years, don't use deodorant because they prefer the natural smell of their armpit. I think it is smelly, gross, and just dumb.

Bareback sex:I enjoy bareback sex, and I enjoy having it with other gay men who enjoy having bareback sex. This makes it uncomplicated and free of unnecessary drama. Condoms ruin sex. They create a barrier between the two people having sex, and this barrier creates a disconnect, which kills the intimacy and the sensation.

Works Cited

Breuner, Cora C. & Mattson, Gerri (2016). Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health. Journal of Sexuality, 138(2), 23-27. doi: https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2016-1348

Caspi, A. & Roberts, B. W. (2001). Personality development across the life course: The argument for change and continuity. Psychological Inquiry. 12(2): 49-66. doi:10.1207/s15327965pli1202_01

Coleman, H., & Charles, G. (2001). Adolescent sexuality: A matter of sense. Journal of Child and Youth Care, 14(4), 17-18.

DeLamater, J., & Friedrich, W. N. (2002). Human sexual development. Journal of Sex Research, 39(1), 10-14. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490209552113

Dowshen, S. (2014). Understanding early sexual development. Journal of Childrens' Health, 17(3), 34-39.

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