Before

About Me

This is both the beginning and the end of my story. It starts in the middle of an exciting move, at the precise time of the happiest moment of my life, the moment that led to so much unhappiness for me. Life always comes with both happiness and sadness, walking hand in hand each dressed as the other, confusing almost everyone who comes into contact with them, leaving only one possible conclusion to be drawn. You cannot experience happiness without also experiencing sadness. I know that is an intensely pessimistic way of looking at life, and I admit to you now that on several different occasions within the pages of this website, I tell you, in fact I insist upon you believing, that I am always optimistic about everything. So, here we are back at the happy sadness problem all over again. I offer you a compromise in the belief that it is the sadness we experience in life that makes the happiness more worthwhile. Whether you agree to accept this compromise or not, I've spent enough time on this topic, and it's time to get to my story. So, sit back and relax, make yourself comfortable wherever you are whatever you are doing, because I'm about to take you on a journey...my journey. In 1998, I moved to San Francisco with a guy I'd been dating for more than five years. I distinctly remember the excitement I felt as the U-Haul containing me, my boyfriend, our dog, and everything we owned, our entire lives, drove across the Bay Bridge and the city of San Francisco came into view below us. For me, this is the best view of San Francisco because it allows you to see the contrast between the natural majesty of the city's architecture and the natural beauty of the city's land. Downtown San Francisco was almost directly below us, while Twin Peaks stood in the background, rising above the heights of every building in the city. My boyfriend was driving the truck, I was in the passenger seat, and our dog had gotten as much of her body outside of the window as I'd let her. We were all in our element, all amazingly happy, all so strongly connected we could feel the happiness the others were feeling. It was one of life's perfect moments. I remember how happy I was in that moment, I felt like I was on top of the world. I remember looking at my boyfriend thinking how lucky I was to have him in my life. We were a great couple. We were so happy together neither of us could imagine a future without the other. That's what I was thinking as our U-Haul drove us across the bridge to our new home.

Nine months later, everything had changed. My boyfriend and I had broken up unexpectedly, and even though I did the breaking, I had no idea what had gone wrong. Today, more than twenty years after that magical moment, it's difficult for me to believe I was ever that happy.

About Me

This is undoubtedly one of the first few pages of this website you've viewed, and despite knowing little about me at this point, I'm sure you have already formed certain impressions of the type of person I am. Before your impressions start to grow on their own, based not on the type of person I am but rather on the type of person you think I am, I'll provide you with my own impression of the type of person I am so as to shift the forward trajectory of your impressions so they come closer to the reality of the type of person I am, or rather the reality of the type of person I want to you think I am.

My personal motto: If you can't be smart be funny, and if you're not good looking, you damn well better be nice.

Funny. I have a good sense of humor, am able to laugh at myself when I do ridiculous things, and most of the time, I don't take life too seriously. I tend to laugh a lot and try to make others laugh, too. I'm not always successful, though, mainly because my jokes are corny and my humor is dated. But I always keep trying. If you don't find me funny, at least you'll find me funny looking.

Nice. Some people believe the old adage that nice guys finish last. I don't know whether it's true or not, but I firmly believe that nice guys finish. They may not finish first, but very rarely in life does it matter who finishes first or last, the objective is simply to finish, to experience whatever life has in store for you.

Intelligent. OK OK, I admit it. I'm funny AND smart, In fact, I'm summa cum laude smart. But my brand of intelligence is mostly academic. You know the old saying, some people are book smart and some are street smart. I'm book smart. I realized at an early age that As and Bs came more easily to the kids who always went to class, always paid attention, always did their homework, and always tried to give the teachers what they wanted. This formula has worked well for me throughout my life, at all levels of education.

Honest. I strongly believe honesty is the most admirable of human virtues, and I am upfront and honest with everyone about everything. The problem is that I expect the same of others, and I am constantly disappointed. I know a lie when I hear one. I may not know what the truth is, but I can spot a lie from a mile away. I'd much rather be told something is none of my business or that it's a secret or some other explanation. I can respect that. I can't respect someone who is not telling me the truth.

Respectful. I am an extremely respectful person. Again, the problem is that I expect the same in return, but am constantly disappointed. Too many people have adopted the look out for number one attitude, and while they are busy looking out for themselves, they are also busy just not caring about anybody else. Many people today don't even bother with basic civility. There is much to be said for social politeness, a gentle nod, friendly hello, or a genuine wish to have a good day. If everyone approached their encounters with other humans with a positive attitude and polite demeanor, I believe much of the conflict that exists in the world would simply not be there.

Awkward. I have always been awkward, socially and otherwise. As a kid, I was clumsy, always tripping over my own feet or whatever was on the floor that everyone but me seemed to notice. I'm still clumsy, always tripping over words or whatever small interpresonal/ social/emotional thing everyone else notices but me. This kind of clumsiness often manifests as uncomfortable silences that leave me wondering what I should do next, sometimes even in the simplest of social situations.

Boring. I've always been a homebody, even when I was a kid. I'm very good at entertaining myself. I always have been. I wouldn't describe myself as a loner, though. I enjoy being around other people. I just enjoy it less than being by myself.

Lazy. This is definitely not a positive quality. I can easily sit around my apartment all weekend doing nothing important or sometimes even literally nothing at all, while I have a long list of things I need to get done. I've spent many weekends in exactly this way. I don't like being lazy, but I do like feeling relaxed and being able to enjoy my time with myself, so there's a psychological trade off. I always manage to keep my laziness at home, meaning that I am very productive at work, so the only person who suffers any negative consequences from my laziness is the only person who should, me.

Indulgent. Well, self-indulgent at least. It's not that I like nice things that makes me self-indulgent. It's that when I like something, I usually get it. I'm not an impulse shopper; I'm an impulse everything. This is also not a positive quality. Self-indulgence is the manifestation of an insatiable impulse to satisfy a desire. It often involves carrying an action to excess, which is when it can become self-destructive or offensive to others. Yes, I'm self-indulgent, but I'm not self-destructive, and I always try to avoid offending others.

One Final Thought

Aside from a few of my closests friends, nobody who visits this website knows who I am. The anonymous curtain of the Internet allows me to expose my innermost thoughts and secrets without the fear of divulging too much of myself for too many people. This is not an accident. In fact, it is only because I am able to do this that this website can even exist. Maybe one day I'll come out of my Internet closet, but that day is not today.

Thank you for visiting HundredthHuman.com. I'm very glad you are here. Please have yourself a great rest of your day.

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