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Metamorphosis

Growing Up Gay and Finding My Pride

Identity development is a complex, multidimensional process in which a person attains an understanding of who they are in relation to cultural demands and social norms. Different dimensions of identity development influence the process in varying degrees depending on a multitude of factors. Sexuality is one dimension of identity development, and its influence on the process depends in part on whether the individual is homosexual or heterosexual (Morgan, 2013). Growing up gay is a very different experience than growing up straight. We live in a heteronormative society, and from the time we are born, we receive constant messages holding heterosexuality as the norm (Little, 2013). These messages come from people, television, movies, advertisements, literature, religion, laws, and many other sources. Everywhere we look, everyone and everything tell us we should be attracted to the opposite sex. One consequence of heteronormativity is that gay people are often viewed as confused, abnormal, or inferior, and even worse, it sometimes causes gay people to harbor these views about themselves, particularily when they are children and have not accepted their homosexuality (Bailey et al, 2016). Public support for gay rights, openly gay public figures, and gay characters on television and other pop culture media platforms, among other things, have made our society less heteronormative, which has no doubt helped to lessen the negative feelings young gay people experience. Even so, growing up gay begins with the feeling that something is not right within you, that the attraction to other boys that seems natural is not normal, and therefore, you are not normal.

Becoming Gay

The struggle many gay men experience when learning to accept their sexual orientation can be a long and complicated journey, but it is not until a gay man accepts his homosexuality as normal that he can begin to integrate his sexuality into his life and view it in a positive way. Coming out of the closet is a process experienced by gay men as they become aware of their gay sexual orientation, accept it, and tell the people who are important to them (Seidman, 2002). This is a necessary rite of passage for all gay men that enables them to transform gay shame into gay pride. For young gay boys, the realization that they are attracted to other boys creates a conflict between their sexual identity and societal norms, and that conflict can spark an avalanche of unfamiliar and often overwhelming emotions, including shame, isolation, and fear (Schmitz, 2015). Some gay boys experience this at an early age and are unable to fully understand what it means. For a young gay boy dealing with the conflict between what he instinctively knows is natural (his sexuality) and what he's been taught is right (societal norms), the world can seem like a cold and lonely place. As he learns to accept his sexuality, he meets other gay people and connects with the culture of the gay community, and that connection grows stronger as he finds his place in the community. Feeling connected to a group of people with whom there is a common bond is extremely important to the development of an individual's self-worth. A sense of belonging makes a person feel a stronger sense of purpose and security, and it greatly impacts his happiness and satisfaction with life (O'Hare, 2018). The connection a gay man has with the gay community inspires a sense of pride in him. Thus, it is through the process of coming out and connecting with the gay community that gay men transform feelings of shame into a sense of pride.

I Was Gay Before I Knew What Gay Was

I don't remember how old I was when I realized I was gay, but I do know I was gay before I knew what gay was. I have seven older brothers, and when we were growing up, they talked about sex a lot...well not so much a lot as all the time. Even when I was so young I didn't know what sex was, my older brothers talked about what they wanted to do with girls. At a very early age, they told me I would one day start to like girls the same way they did, and when that happened, I would want to do the same things they wanted to do with them. I'm not sure how old I was when I realized I did not, and would not, like girls in the same way my brothers did, but I always knew I would never want to do any of those things with them. By the time I started high school, most of my brothers had gotten girlfriends or wives and moved out of our house, taking all their sex talk with them and leaving me to my own devices to figure out what I wanted to do with girls.

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Coming Out

When I came out in 1989, the modern-day gay rights movement was still rather new. It was just beginning to gain the strength it has today. Positive gay role models on TV or in movies were unheard of, and the subject of homosexuality was only ever discussed in negative ways. Many people believed gay people were dirty child molesters, drag queens were confused perverted transvestites, and AIDS was God's vengence on gay people. At that time, many gay men were disowned by their family, demeaned by their friends, and fired from their jobs after coming out. Often, the possible number of negative consequences outnumbered the possible number of positive benefits of coming out, and many gay men decided not to take the risk. It was the middle of the AIDS crisis, and many gay men found it difficult to find pride in a community that was quickly dying off. Even in the 1990's, I had several friends who had not come out to their families, choosing instead to lead double lives in which they were gay with friends but straight with family. It has become much easier for gay men to come out of the closet today, and it's happening at much younger ages than ever before. Many of the negative perceptions associated with gay people when I came out have faded away. Increased social acceptance of homosexuality, driven largely by the acceptance of gays in the military, the existence of positive gay role models throughout pop culture, the legalization of gay marriage, and other prominent social issues has firmly planted the subject of homosexuality into the public discourse, making it much easier for gay men to come out of the closet today.

Ain't No Closet Big Enough

I knew when I was very young that I was different from my brothers. I just didn't know how I was different. As I grew older, that difference became more and more obvious until it simply could no longer be denied. Like any other gay boy figuring out the direction his sexuality will take him, I focused too much on the thing that made me different. I thought my sexual orientation made me stick out like a sore thumb to my friends and family...and it did. What I didn't realize until I came out of the closet is that it didn't matter to any of them, and the only person who viewed me as different from them was me.

The first person I came out to was my best friend, who I'd known since elementary school.
....."Finally! What took you so long?"
She'd figured it out in middle school and had been waiting for me to tell her ever since.

The second person I came out to was my mom. I was nineteen years old when I told her. I knew it wouldn't be an issue, but I was still really nervous about it. I made many attempts to tell her but always chickened out at the last minute. Several months went by, and I still hadn't told her. It got so bad that my best friend threatened to out me if I couldn't find the courage to do it myself. I finally blurted it out one night in the middle of a story she was telling me about a scene one of my brothers had caused at the grocery store. There was no reaction from her. She continued the story about my brother. I wasn't even sure she'd heard me.
....."Mom, I just told you I'm gay."
....."I heard you."
....."Well, aren't you going to say something?"
.....She thought for a moment then said, "I have twelve straight children, I think that's enough. Don't you?"
Before I came out to my mom, she frequently tried to fix me up with the daughter of this friend or that friend. It was almost like she thought I couldn't get a girl to go out on a date with me on my own. I always refused to meet these girls, and she stopped telling me about them after I came out to her. But once, several months later, she told me she had a friend with a gay son.
....."He's a little older than you."
....."How much older?"
....."Thirty-nine."
....."Mom, he's a pervert!"
....."Why do you say that?"
....."Anyone that old who wants to meet someone my age is a pervert."
I guess she only had one friend with a gay son because she never suggested another one.

Coming out to my mom made it easier for me to come out to the rest of my family, mainly because she did it for me. Before I had a chance to have the conversation with my brothers and sisters, she had already told them. It is much easier to tell someone you're gay if they already know you're gay. Instead of it being a surprise to them, it was basically just an acknowledgement of what they already knew. Nobody close to me had an issue with me being gay. I feel very fortunate for that because it made coming out pretty easy for me. It also helped to set the tone for how I've approached the subject with people ever since. Basically, I assume everyone knows I'm gay, and it's up to them to be ok with it. This approach has never failed me.

Finding My Inner Gay

I don't know what I expected to happen after I came out of the closet, but I thought something would indeed happen, that my life would change in some noticeable way. But after I told everyone, my life was still the same, nothing happened. A few months later, I started working for a major U.S. airline. Then something changed. Although I didn't know it at the time, that was one of the most consequential decisions of my entire life. The airline had just opened an office near Dulles airport that held 2,000 employees, which included its fair share of gay men. The gay men in that office provided me with a gay social network, a very small one but still a gay social network. This was my first link to the gay community. At about the same time, I found the mother lode of gay sex right where I'd always knew it was. Through my new gay friends at work, I learned that there were gay bars in Washington D.C. I was surprised by this. I had assumed only cities like New York and San Francisco had gay bars. I know that makes me sound like a total country hick, but remember that was 1989. The Internet was at least a decade away from mainstream use, and I had lived in a rural area for most of my life. There was a lot I didn't know. I wasn't old enough to go to any bar, much less a gay bar, but boy did I want to. A few months before I turned 21, I became roommates with a gay guy who I had met through someone at work. He was a few years older than me and not only knew about the gay bars in D.C. but frequented them on a regular basis. He helped me celebrate my 21st birthday by driving me into D.C. for the sole purpose of going to a gay bar for the first time. Until that night, I had only ever gone to D.C. on school field trips, and this was certainly not a school field trip. I was so nervous and excited and anxious and happy and nervous and... My stomach was doing somersaults the whole drive there, and as we walked up to the bar, I could barely walk because my knees felt like they were about to give in. When we stepped into the bar, my hands were shaking so much I dropped my ID three times before finally handing it to the guy at the door.

I remember that first night like it was yesterday. I had very high hopes for that night while also half expecting to be disappointed because I had placed so much importance on the event even though I realized I had no idea what to expect. As it turned out, my high hopes were not high enough. That night blew my mind away. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw inside the bar that night, sights and scenes that changed me forever. It was the first time I saw two guys making out. Sure I'd had gay sex, but I had never seen gay men kissing in public. It was both shocking and exhilarating to me. I looked away, embarrassed that I had intruded on what seemed like a private moment between them. As I looked around the bar, I noticed everyone seemed relaxed and comfortable, just like any other bar except this one was filled with gay men. Everywhere I looked, men were being homosexual, out in the open as if there was nothing wrong with it...because there was nothing wrong with it. I realized that I was surrounded by people with whom I shared a common thread of identity. This realization made me feel a profound wave of relief. Finally, there was a place where I didn't have to hide my homosexuality or second-guess a glance or smile from a cute guy. I suddenly felt a sense of freedom, community, and belonging. Everything about that experience was new and exciting to me. By the time we got home that night, my entire worldview had changed.

The D.C. Gay Bar Scene

The something that I expected to happen after coming out of the closet, the noticeable change that I wanted to manifest in my life, well that happened after I turned twenty-one. It's funny how quickly humans can adapt to a new way of doing things. After that first night at Badlands, there were more nights at Badlands...and J.R.'s and many other gay bars. Before I knew it, my roommate and I were going to D.C. three or four nights a week. I met other gay men my age who enjoyed going to gay bars like I did, and over time, a circle of gay male friends with interests similar to my own began to from around me. We bonded over boy chasing, bar hopping, and Rehobeth Beach. Wwe were a tight-knit little group, and we are still close friends today, three decades later. I had finally become connected to the gay community, and my life got better because of it. I had gay friends, a gay social life, and many other things that I didn't have just a year before. I had a lot of fun learning to be gay in D.C. in my early 20s. D.C. had a fair number of gay bars, consisting of a handful of popular places, several more niche venues that served a specific purpose (like the male strip club), and several more out of the way places that most gay men never went to. Along with the occasional special events held in different places around the city, these bars provided enough variation to keep it interesting. In addition, every summer, there were multiple weekend excursions to Rehobeth Beach, where gay men from Philadelphia, Baltimore, D.C., and other mid-Atlantic cities formed a gay social scene that was different enough from D.C. to make it feel exciting, at least for a weekend. Looking back on it, my early 20s were the best years of my life. I was young and energetic and hadn't yet developed the bitterness that has characterized my recent years. But, like all good things, the fun I was having in D.C. eventually came to an end. The gay bar scene began to be seem less exciting, not as much fun, but the reason for this had nothing to do with D.C., it's gay bar scene, or anyone or anything that had to do with D.C. Another valuable benefit my airline job gave me was free flying benefits. I could fly anywhere the airline had a flight for basically free. This allowed me to visit gay bar scenes all over the United States and eventually international. That's what made me get tired of D.C. It just couldn't compare to other cities.

Over the next several years, I took great advantage of my flying benefits. Within months, I had flown to more places than anyone in my family and any of my friends. I was travelling to places I hadn't even heard of just a couple years before. I loved it! I was in the prime of my life, young and energetic, eager to see and learn everything, everywhere, everyone. I was very social at that age, and I made friends everywhere I went, in other cities and even other countries. I flew to a lot of places, sometimes just for the day to have lunch with a friend or for one night to go to a gay dance party. On many occasions, I'd travel with a coworker who had become a close friend of mine, and his favorite thing to do was to go to the airport, stand in front of a departure screen, cover his eyes, and point. Wherever his finger was pointing when he opened his eyes is where we would go. Kansas City, Boise, Dallas, and many other such cities became fodder for our veracious travel appetites. We had so much fun on our trips, but we were young and we were poor. One night after flying to Kansas City, we barely had enough money for the hotel room, and when we went out to a gay bar that night, we couldn't even afford to buy drinks, so he came up with an idea. I resisted at first. It was crazy what he was suggesting. But as the bar began to get busy, and everyone started to get drunker, I finally gave in. For the rest of the night, we hung out by the dance floor, casually taking drinks left behind by other people as they went to get their groove on. We ended up having the time of our lives that night. Beyond a doubt, my early 20s were the best time of my life, and the ability to experience different people, different cultures, different ideas was a big part of what made life so enjoyable for me. It made my life exciting...until I had to fly back home. That was the beginning of the end of my life in D.C>

Works Cited

Bailey, J. M., Vasey, P. L., Diamond, L. M., Breedlove, S. M., Vilian, E. and Epprecht, M. (2016). Sexual Orientation, Controversy, and Science. Journal of Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 17(2), 45-101. doi:10.1177/1529100616637616

Brochure (2008). Answers to your questions: For a better understanding of sexual orientation and homosexuality. Washington D.C.: American Psychological Association. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/topics/sorientation.pdf

Little, William. (2013). Introduction to Sociology (2nd ed.) Rice University Press.

Morgan, Elizabeth M. (2013). Contemporary Issues in Sexual Orientation and Identity Development in Emerging Adulthood. Journal of Emerging Adult Studies, 1(1), 52-66

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