How I Learned to Hate Rock ‘n’ Roll

A Few Words About Hatred

Hatred is a feeling of strong dislike that is characterized by active, ongoing hostility toward someone or something. It's an intense emotion that uses a significant amount emotional and psychological energy because it causes us to fixate on the anger we feel toward the object of our hatred. We are all capable of harboring hatred toward people, things, places, and many of the other nouns and verbs that populate our languages and our countries. Some people seem to spend the majority of their time hating everything and everyone around them, while others do whatever they can to avoid harboring ill-will toward anyone or anything. One man's friend is another man's foe, I suppose. Hatred is much more complex than many people realize. For instance, public displays of hatred toward another person a well-established social faux pas, and in many social situations, it's downright unacceptable. Yet recent studies suggest that people form stronger, closer bonds when they share a mutual dislike of another person than when they both have positive feelings toward someone (Heid, 2019). So talking smack about someone you hate could get you thrown out of a party, but if the person who escorts you to the door also dislikes the person you spoke out about, you could have a friend for life. That is a bit of an exaggeration, but it seems clear that in certain situations, speaking out about someone you hate has the potential to increase the quantity and quality of your social connections. This gives us a peek into the paradoxical nature of one of the most powerful human emotions.

Why We Hate

Generally speaking, we feel hatred toward someone or something when we perceive them or it to be a threat to our happiness, success, well-being, or something else we hold dear. From this perspective, our hatred can be viewed as a self-protection mechanism because it motivates us to avoid the person or thing we believe has the potential to hurt us. But hatred is born from our own inner pain. It is a destructive force that comes from within and is directed outward toward what we perceive to be the cause of our pain, but we often direct it toward the wrong person, toward someone who has done nothing to deserve it. Here are some of the things that motivate our hate.

Fear Fear of the unknown. Fear of strangers. Fear of anything. Fear can cause us to harbor hatred toward whomever or whatever invokes it. Many people unconsciously feel threatened by the unknown, and when they encounter people they don't know, things they don't know, anything that leads to uncertainty, the threat it represents manifests as fear (Abrams, 2019). To deal with the fear, they cling to what and who they know while directing their hatred toward the thing that made them feel fear to begin with.

Insecurities We all hold negative beliefs about ourselves that are either overexaggerated or blatently untrue. We form these negative beliefs throughout our lives based on many things, but they all come from the same place, a place deep within us, a place we never like to visit. When someone holds onto so many of these negative beliefs that they continuously feel inadequate, their insecurities begin to make them hate themselves (Freedenthal, 2013). One way of coping with this self-hatred is to turn it inside out and direct it at somebody else, doesn't matter who, anybody or everybody will do. It's much easier to hate someone (or everyone) else than it is to hate ourselves.

Emptiness Many things in life can leave us feeling empty inside, including helplessness, powerlessness, injustice, inadequacy, and shame (Gilbertson, 2014). Very often, our own insecurities create the strange and uncomfortable feeling of being all alone and empty inside. The root cause of this feeling is a perceived lack of meaning, and if left unchecked, it can lead to continuous feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and self-hatred (Fader, 2021). People who experience feelings of emptiness constantly compare themselves to others, perceive only the negative about themselves, and think they can never be good enough. They often become envious and jealous of others and begin to direct their hate outward toward those they view as better than themselves.

Pain Abuse is fundamentally an issue of suffering, and it can cause physical, psychological, and emotional pain that far outlasts the abuse itself. It is natural for someone who has been abused to feel anger toward their abuser. Over time, their anger turns into deep-seated hatred. This hatred serves as both a reaction to and a distraction from the pain they are feeling inside (Abrams, 2019). After all, every moment they feel hatred toward their abuser is a moment they don't have to deal with how they feel inside. They mistakenly believe the only way to regain a sense of control is to strike out at someone, anyone, usually whoever just happens to be closest to them.

Jealousy Many people struggle through life, never able to get ahead, never able to catch a break. When someone feels beaten down by life, it's easy to get jealous of what others have, the breaks others get in life. It's difficult to blame yourself for the problems you face, but it's really easy to blame someone else. At first, it even feels good to funnel all of your negative energy and direct it toward the guy who life has been easy to, but that positive feeling is temporary. The hatred you feel in this situation is actually self-hatred turned inside out by jealousy then directed to anyone but yourself.

When we hate another person, we choose to hate that person. It's a conscious decision that we make to start hating them. Hatred does not reside in the unconscious mind. Nor does it lurk in long forgotten recesses. When we feel hatred, it consumes our every thought, and we are definitely aware it is there. When we decide to hate someone, we decide not to allow ourselves to enjoy being around them. Hating someone closes our mind to them. And it attracts more hatred, from ourselves and from other people.

The Bonds of Hatred

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. That's what my parents used to tell us when we were kids. As an adult, I try to filter out my negative comments and only verbalize the positive ones. I do a pretty good job of it sometimes. I do a pretty lousy job of if other times, especially in my personal life. There's a lot of negativity in the world these days, and people love to hate. It isn't my fault if I respond to that negativity from time to time, if I do what everyone else seems to do when faced with someone else's negativity, try to beat it down instead of trying to lift it up. Misery loves company. There may be some truth to that statement. Social psychologists have recently published the results of several studies that demonstrate that sharing negative opinions of other people is one of the most effective ways for two people who don't know one another to form a bond (Heid, 2019). But only if the two people share the same opinion. It can be one of the most effective ways of alienating the other person if your opinions differ. In fact, the other person might project the negativity onto you. Spontaneous trait transference is a psychological process in which a person projects expressed negative traits onto the person expressing them, even though they are being expressed about someone else (Orghian, 2019). Expressing negative opinions of someone around a lot of people who hold a different opinion can cause serious damage to your reputation. Unless your hatred is founded in a socially acceptable ideological belief, comes from a personal experience of being hurt, or could be otherwise justified by most people, it is probably best to keep it to yourself.

Emotional Expression

All emotions are fleeting, and hatred is no different. It comes and goes based on what we're thinking or experiencing at any given moment. We can hold onto it, focus on it, refuse to let it go, and while we're doing that, it destroys our thinking as it wages war on our happiness and well-being. When we don't let go of our emotions, they fester inside of us, in our mind, in our soul. But it doesn't have to happen that way. Hate has its place within the landscape of our emotions, and it serves its purpose. We should neither ignore nor hold onto negative emotions when we experience them. When processed properly, all emotions are healthy. Healthy emotional expression involves actively exploring your emotions to release their energy. Hatred is a destructive force, and it's even more destructive when repressed. But we are not powerless. We don't have to sit idly by waiting for it to run its course hoping we'll have the strength to put ourselves back together when it's all done. Sometimes, all we need to do is wait until there is enough time or distance between us and the source of our hatred, and it fades away by itself. If not, take the steps necessary to actively process your negative emotions before you have a chance to repress them. It takes a lot of energy to continuously hate someone. It's much simpler to process that hatred and move on. Besides, carrying around hatred for someone else will always hurt you more than it will hurt them. Constantly hating them will eventually impact you on an emotional, psychological, and even physical level. It's always best to process negative emotions before they have the chance to do any damage.

Healthy emotional expression can help you bring positive changes to your personal, social, and professional lives. The problem is that many people find it difficult to express their emotions. Some express what they are feeling excessively, while others don't express it at all. The key to emotional expression does not lie in the amount of expression. Instead, mastering emotional expression is about knowing how to express your emotions in an accurate and measured way. There are many theories and techniques that teach how to either repress or control emotions. It has been proven though, that this approach is not actually effective. Emotions and feelings are spontaneous and automatic and are meant to be felt and expressed. It has been proven on a scientific level that avoiding and repressing emotions can have negative psychological consequences. Modern therapies like acceptance and commitment therapy, and other practices such as mindfulness, can help you to accept your emotions and know how to treat them. Your emotions are part of you and need to be taken care of. For example, if you are a person who experiences a lot of emotional anxiety, you may do certain things and behave in a certain way in an attempt to avoid that anxiety. This may be because you aren’t sure how to channel it and express it. This emotional repression can cause physical problems, such as rapid heartbeat, excessive sweating, trembling, or breathing problems. When feelings are held back, tension is created. This tension may be concentrated physically in areas like the neck, face, various muscles, and spine. If, on the other hand, you cling to these emotions without expressing them, you may be susceptible to experiencing psychosomatic illnesses of the arteries, headaches, or stomach problems. It is an indisputable fact that your emotions influence our physical health. Knowing how to express your emotions can help prevent physical problems and emotional pain.

The Sad Thing About Hate

We are not born with hate. No, infants laying in their cribs don't plot revenge against the people who have wronged them. No, hate isn't some emotion that lies dorment in our infant pysches, just waiting for the right conditions to jump out from its secret hiding place to spring into action. No, we are not born with hate. Instead, it is something we learn, albeit at a very early age, but yes we learn to hate. How could we not learn how to hate, it's everywhere? We see it on TV and in movies, we read about it history books, we watch it play out live in our families and our friendships. Everywhere we go, everything we do, we hear people express their hatred toward others, we see their hatred grow and develop. As small children, we don't understand how it destroys us, we can't see how it divides us, how it eventually leads to isolation and sadness.

Holding on to hate is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the only one who gets burned.

Siddhartha Gautama

Works Cited

Abrams, Allison. (2019). The Psychology of Hate. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nurturing-self-compassion/201703/the-psychology-hate

Freedenthal, Stacey. (2013). How to Turn Self-Hatred into Self-Compassion. Retrieved from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-turn-self-hatred-into-self-compassion-1112135

Fader, Sarah. (2021). Why Do I Feel Empty: When A Lack Of Meaning Is Something More Serious. Retrieved from https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/i-feel-empty-when-a-lack-of-meaning-is-something-more-serious/

Gilbertson, Tina. (2014). How to Overcome Feelings of Emptiness. Retrieved from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/i-feel-empty-how-to-overcome-feelings-of-emptiness-1112145

Heid, Markham. (2019). How Shared Hatred Helps You Make Friends. Retrieved from https://forge.medium.com/how-shared-hatred-helps-you-make-friends-40f5c988c76a.

Henry, Phillip. (2018). Dear White Gay Men, Racism Is Not "Just a Preference". Retrieved from https://www.them.us/story/racism-is-not-a-preference

Meyerowitz, Anya. (2019). This is EXACTLY why we are attracted to some people and not to others.

Jefferson, Tony. (2015). What is Racism? Othering, Prejudice and Hate-motivated Violence. International Journal for Crime, Justice and Social Democracy, 4(4), 120–135. https://doi.org/10.5204/ijcjsd.v4i4.261

Orghian, D., Garcia-Marques, L., Uleman, J. S., & Heinke, D. (2015). A Connectionist Model of Spontaneous Trait Inference and Spontaneous Trait Transference: Do They Have the Same Underlying Processes? Social Cognition, 33(1), 20–66. https://doi.org/10.1521/soco.2015.33.1.20

Patel, Jainish & Patel, Prittesh. (2019). Consequences of Repression of Emotion: Physical Health, Mental Health and General Well Being. International Journal of Psychotherapy Practice and Research, 1(3), 16-21.

Rauterberg, M. (2010, September). Emotions: the voice of the unconscious. In International Conference on Entertainment Computing (pp. 205-215). Springer, Berlin, Heidelberg.

Winkielman, P., & Berridge, K. C. (2004). Unconscious emotion. Current directions in psychological science, 13(3), 120-123.

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