A Want a Dog

My Idea of Mr. Right

Gay relationships are fundamentally different from straight relationships. The blending of lives to form a "we" requires a great deal of psychological and emotional conditioning, which does not come naturally to the two men who make a gay couple. One reason for this is related to the legal recognition of gay relationships. Until recently, gay men in relationships were treated by the law, and by society, as two unrelated individuals who lived together. Basically, they were viewed as roommates. Another reason gay men are not predisposed to forming a "we" in their relationships is related to behavioral modeling from previous generations. Whether we like it or not, whether we even realize it or not, we grow up and behave like our parents in many ways, especially in behaviors related to marriage and the blending of lives to create the "we" that is necessary for a successful marriage. Straight married couples are socialized to blend their lives together, to create a "we" instead of two "me". Straight couples have generations of heterosexist behavioral modeling to follow from their parents and grandparents. Movies, television, and many other pop culture influences provide heterosexist behavioral modeling related to marriage. Recent marriage equality laws have changed the landscape of marriage in many countries, but gay couples don't have the benefit of behavioral modeling from previous generations. In fact, they are the models. The current generation of gay couples are setting the example for generations to come.

Sometimes I'll meet a guy and think to myself that he might be marriage material. That is not to say he is so hot I instantly want to spend the rest of my life with him. No, I'm not saying that at all. What I'm saying is that he possesses certain characteristics I find ideal for a husband. Some of these characteristics are different from what I am attracted to in a sexual partner, and this is not altogether uncommon. Men and women, gay and straight, are attracted to different characteristics in sexual partners than they are in marriage partners. And there are some commonalities among all couples, whether gay or straight, male or female. For long term romantic partners, preferred characteristics include internal mental attributes, such as intelligence and intellect, socially positive personality characteristics, such as interpersonal sensitivity and responsiveness, and family orientation characteristics (Regan et al, 2001). For short term romantic partners, physical characteristics, such as attractiveness and sex appeal, are preferred (ibid). Although these preferences are not universal, they are held by an overwhelming number of people.

The type of people we choose to form relationships with is influenced by both cultural and biological factors. The single most influential factor in choosing a romantic partner is proximity (Lumen, 2017). It's easier to form relationships with people we see a lot because we can get to know them. Proximity breeds familiarity, and we are typically more attracted to people who are familiar to us. We also tend to feel safe around familiar people. Another factor that influences who we form relationships with is similarity. We are far more likely to form a relationship with someone who is similar to us in background, attitude, and lifestyle (McPherson, Smith-Lovin, & Cook, 2001). There is no universal standard for romantic partner attractiveness, mainly because our thoughts and ideas about physical attractiveness are culturally based, but there are several commonalities. Attractive traits in men relate to facial and body symmetry, such as height, broad shoulders, and narrow waist (Fink, Neave, Manning, & Grammer, 2006). Social traits that people find attractive in men are achievement, leadership qualities, and job skills (Regan & Berscheid, 1997). Although attraction is important in determining who we form relationships with, that does not mean that we seek the most attractive people. We tend to seek someone we view as our equal in physical attractiveness and social desirability (Taylor, Fiore, Mendelsohn, & Cheshire, 2011). We also tend to weigh a potential partner's attractiveness against the likelihood of success with that person.

A Story about Bread

Many years ago, when I was still learning how to be a gay man in the bars of Washington, D.C., my friends had a term they used to describe my taste in men: wonder bread. Physically, I tend to like the average Joe type, a humble guy who is usually not described as good looking but also not described as unattractive, a guy who is somewhere in the middle...and yes usually a white guy. I am not attracted to black guys, asian guys, or any guy who is paticularily ethnic looking. I am not attracted to dark skin. Now, I ask you a very loaded question.

Does that make me racist?

Sexual racism. I didn't think too much about this preference until somebody called me a racist one day after I told him I was not attracted to black men. That happened not long after I moved to San Francisco. Since then, I've been called a racist many times by many men, for the very same reason. What I find most surprising about this is that the majority of these misguided, judgemental faggots have been white. There are so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to begin. First, just because they say it doesn't make it true. Second, these people make no effort to understand my point of view. They make a snap judgement based on their own personal opinions and feel that is ok to express it. These filthy faggots obviusly spend too much time judging others and not nearly enough time judging themselves. Third, I am also not attracted to women, but that does not make me a misogynist. Fourth, nobody, and I mean nobody, is attracted to hateful, judgemental faggots. In fact, there is nothing I find more unattractive than a bitchy, gossipy, judgemental fucking faggot who tries to make himself feel better by spending the majority of his time judging and gossiping about other people. Fifth and last, it's none of their fucking business anyway.

Depending on who you ask, my sexual preference for white guys is either a sexual preference or sexual racism. I guess that's the academic term for it, sexual racism. I've read several academic articles, some even peer reviewed, on the subject, and they all seem to frame their argument around an altered definition of racism, then they overloook an important point. Real racism is systemic, antogonistic discrimiation based on race, and it often prevents black people from living to their maximum potential. Sexual racism is neither systemic nor antogonistic. Most white gay men have sex with black men, and the one who don't are not hostile about it. It is discrimination, but everyone discriminates at least to some degree with regard to sexual partners. My point is that sexual racism does not prevent gay black men from living to their potential, so sexual racism is simply a sexual preference.

My Perfect Guy

For me, the perfect looking guy would have a mix of the innocent beauty of an A&F model and the rugged, masculinity of the Marlboro Man, with or without the cigarettes. I certainly have a thing for guys who look innocent. It's not that I want them to be innocent, only to look it. But at the same time, I've gone home with several guys who I wasn't quite attracted to but who were so masculine, I couldn't resist. I like men who are men, guys who are comfortable with who they are and what they want. After all, the only way they'll get what they want from me is when they are upfront about it.
Age has never been a big deal to me, but I usually go for guys who are around my age, ten years older or younger. As I've grown older, my sexual fantasies have grown younger, but that is only in my fantasies. The younger they are, the twinkier they are, and I'm just not into feminine guys with big hair.
Muscles don't turn me on. In fact, really big muscles actually turn me off. Also, I'm not particularily interested in how often you go the gym. I prefer a guy who is height/weight proportionate. But he falls on the slightly thinner or slightly larger side of average, i'm usually cool with it.

Mr. Nice GuyI consider myself to be a very nice guy. I prefer to be around other very nice people. If a guy is a jerk, I won't deal with him, no matter what he looks like.

Everyone is beautiful to someone.

Works Cited

Bedi, S. (2019). Sexual Racism. In Private Racism (pp. 113-142). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press. doi:10.1017/9781108233507.005

Callander, Denton; Newman, Christy & Holt, Martin. (2015). Is Sexual Racism Really Racism? Archives of Sexual Behavior. 44(10). 10.1007/s10508-015-0487-3.

Morgan, Brittney. (2018) "Here's Why We're Attracted To Some People But Not Others " Retrieved from https://www.elitedaily.com/p/heres-why-were-attracted-to-some-people-but-not-others- according-to-a-doctor-9177698

Paris, Wendy. (2017). Why We Want Who We Want. Psychology Today, 12(2), pp. 34-37.

Regan, Pamela, Medina, Roberta, and Joshi, Anupama. (2001). Partner preferences among homosexual men and women: What is desirable in a sex partner is not necessarily desirable in romantic partner. Social Behavior and Personality: an international journal 29(7), 625-633. doi:10.2224/sbp.2001.29.7.625.

Bedi, S. (2015). Sexual Racism: Intimacy as a Matter of Justice. The Journal of Politics, 77(4), 998-1011. https://doi.org/10.1086/682749

Yancey, George (2009). Crossracial Differences in the Racial Preferences of Potential Dating Partners: A Test of the Alienation of African Americans and Social Dominance Orientation. The Sociological Quarterly, 50(1), 121-143.

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